S is for Snags

A 'Snag' is how an Australian would refer to a Sausage. Not only have Australians given the beloved sausage a new name, but they seem to think it's perfectly normal to have them made out of beef...

...and while we're on the subject of food, i recently heard one of the better looking 'bogans' i know refer to a quiche lorraine as an 'egg and bacon pie'. I've almost had enough of this idiotic tomfoolery and disregard for the English language, Australia.

R is for Racism

I approach this issue with caution because I am English, and in England, to use the word 'racism' is probably racist by now. They say 'political correctness has gone mad'. Indeed it has, but that has meant that i have grown up cushioned from nasty people saying nasty things, and I am generally very rarely exposed to the atrocities of racism... which in some part may also be due to the fact that I'm white.

So, imagine my shock when perusing the aisles of the local supermarket innocently for some cheese when I came across this...

... and in an apparently highly developed society too. I am not quite sure how this has slipped through the net. But then it didn't take me long to realise that there's much more to it than just the cheese.'Wog' and 'Fob' are two more vernacular joys you hear on a regular basis. Idiots.

Q is for Queen

I am by no means patriotic. At least not compared to Australians, who not only like to fake-tattoo their own faces with Australian flags at every given opportunity. But they love being patriotic so much that they've even extended their loving hand to The Queens birthday too. A celebration The British have failed to give a shit about entirely. 

It might be important to point out that the day they celebrate this isn't actually the Queens birthday, nor is it even in the same month as the real thing, but fuck it. Any excuse to throw a party ey?...

P is for Prostitutes

I live in an area  of Melbourne which is famed for it's ladies of the night. And within that area I live on one of the main drags. I have been asked if i would like "a lift somewhere" more than once now... Perhaps, it's time to take a step back and re-evaluate my appearance.

Below you will find examples of the subtle sexual bombardment your subconscious is exposed to when taking a leisurely stroll down Grey Street. It's no wonder the sex trade is booming. 

Dogging anybody?

A sexual add for a removals company.

Hello Officer.

...indeed you dutty buggers.

O is for Opshop

An opshop is the Australian equivalent of a charity shop, and in Melbourne there is an absolute abundance of the little beauties. My local opshop serenades the senses to the max... no less so when the local homeless folk decide to park themselves on the sofas and pop a VHS on the telly, all of which are up for sale of course. Not to mention The Beatles background noise, only noticeable when you realise you've been humming 'Yellow Submarine' all day. 

Here are some of the marvelous offerings at my local opshop… A broken ironing board and some sort of granny transportation device. Perhaps, indicative of the socioeconomic standings in the St Kilda area… I’m sure there’s a used syringe on the floor there too.

N is for No Worries

The attitude Australians adopt towards worrying really is quite endearing. Now, if the response you get to every single statement/ apology/ offensive slant from an Ozzy is to be taken literally then I really have no reason to worry whatsoever. Thank you Australia.

M is for Money

The money here is made of a strange plastic material, which is wonderful... for surfers. Now, as I have already clarified, I am no surfer. So as far as I can see I reap none of the benefits associated with waterproof money.

I have however, fallen victim to one of the major drawbacks of plastic money. A curious characteristic of which is its slippery surface. This means, that if you have a note in your pocket it'll slip and slither around until it's free of its material confines. Then suddenly you find yourself having one of those 'I'm sure i had a tenner in my pocket?' moments. Yes! yes you did... but the fucker slipped out of your pocket when you weren't looking!. On the upside, somebody else is benefiting, I have unwillingly become a charitable person. I like to think my charity of choice is the Midget Circus Performers Rescue Operation (McPRO for short)*.

* yes i am lying.