W is for Weather

Come to Australia: "So where the bloody hell are you?" read the advertising slogans enticing you to endless sunny beaches, unforgettable sunsets... blah blah blah. So off I went, expecting all of the above and more.

There was a 30 year drought in Australia, people had been put on ultra water bans. Reseviours were running out of water, people had been refused the human right of washing ones car. I use the past tense because this was all the norm until I ARRIVED! It's ok people, not only will i bring you rain, i will bring you so much water it floods. The worst floods you've ever seen. And I will bring you wind!!! so much mother fucking wind it forms one of the biggest cyclones EVER!!!! HURRAHHH! 


If I hear one more person say "worst weather in living memory" or "coldest I've felt in years" I'll throw a boomerang at them. Moral of the story, don't buy into the dream. British people will never escape the rain...

Q is for Queen

I am by no means patriotic. At least not compared to Australians, who not only like to fake-tattoo their own faces with Australian flags at every given opportunity. But they love being patriotic so much that they've even extended their loving hand to The Queens birthday too. A celebration The British have failed to give a shit about entirely. 

It might be important to point out that the day they celebrate this isn't actually the Queens birthday, nor is it even in the same month as the real thing, but fuck it. Any excuse to throw a party ey?...

J is for Jellyfish

Excuse me, Australians of London: you systematically failed to tell me a lot of things about Australia. Like, for example, that thongs are worn on the feet, how rubbish the telly is, that it rains and gets cold, of the mythical Drop Bear creature, that surfing isn't easy, that cheese is placed in two entirely different locations in the supermarket so as to confuse unsuspecting cheese loving foreigners, and... that there are lots of jellyfish in your crystal clear idyllic waters. If I'd wanted jellyfish with my beach I'd have gone to Wales thank you.


Looks a little bit like an abstract self portrait, i know.

H is for Huey

Huey:

"would you like another portion with your portion sir? how about a block of cheese, no? ok let me just breathe really heavily over the food I'm making you. Oooops i dropped it. Oh well, I'll just scoop it up with my fat sausage fingers and eat it myself. he he he"

Oh Huey. Australia's answer to Jamie Oliver. The perfect celebrity chef if it wasn't for the fact that he's fat and can't cook. He makes 'talentless' celebrities like Jordan and Britney Spears look positively gifted. Chuckling away, flirting with his pork chops, so wrong and so right all at the same time. He is pretty much the biggest celebrity I've come across in Australia so far.

F is for Fair Dinkum

I have been ashamed of British politics in recent weeks to say the least, to quote my own father “We have a new government headed up by what looks like a couple of public school poofters”.

But imagine how you’d feel if the opposition leader said shit like “I try to be fair dinkum with the Australian people” shame on you Tony Abbott and shame on you Australia for not throwing eggs at him.

This is a picture of Tony Abbott, a kind of hybrid of David Hasselhoff and Mr Bean. I think we might've struck gold here!

B is for Beach

Obvious and soppy I know… BUT it’s the whole bloody reason us 'Poms' come out here in the first place. I wanted to go out and take a lovely photo of St Kilda beach for you but I’ve been wearing the same clothes for two days now, wrapped in a granny blanket sniffling away so I thought you might prefer a photo of that instead…



You don’t need to tell me how amazing our sofa is, more on that later in the alphabet…

So most, if not all of you may think The Beach is a place for relaxing, splashing in the sea, drinking a beer and getting sunburnt. Not in Australia. Basically, the beach is full of disgusting healthy people flexing their muscles and running around like it's some kind of outdoor gym. Unnnnbelievable. Time for me to get my jog on I think.

I'll get a beauty of the beach and a 70 year old bloke with a six pack jogging along it when my legs are capable of walking again.

A is for Abbreviation

Australians have a strange tendency to abbreviate or shorten about 80% of the English language. I struggled to understand at first, thinking that I was too old and uncool to know what the 'yout' was on about, here are some fine examples of what I was up against:

Mushies – Mushrooms, I have actually seen this used on the afore mentioned shit Australian TV

Arvo – Afternoon. Of course it’s far too gentlemanly and polite to use the full version.

OTB – Over The Bridge, a term used for people living on the North side of Sydney Harbour. What the fuck?

TBH – To Be Honest. Not to be confused with GBH… it’s a slippery slope.

WE – Weekend, a beautiful word, squandered.

Thingo – Thingamajig, which is actually in Word Spellchecker shockingly.

You’re stupid y’hear… stupid! It’s easier to say the full word than it is to put all that energy into working out what the abbreviation is. Like, OMG.

Roll up Roll up..

Hello All…

So admittedly, Ive been a total failure at this blogging business, but I'm back in the game now. I'm suffering the flu, and TV in Australia is shit, I’ve exhausted my households limited DVD supply, and crack is hard to come by here, so through utter desperation to entertain myself I’m writing to you, my adoring people.

But my oh my have I got a treat for you… I bring to you, my lovely little lovelies “Jo’s A-Z of Australia”. If any Australian takes offence to this you are stupid, and I look forward to a retaliation A-Z-off. Oh and please don’t mistake sarcasm for misery.

I offer you, in the coming weeks an insight into my Australia trip thus far in the form of an A-Z. Up until now Ozland has been testing me. I can see that it sees that I havn't lost my rag in a while and it's been trying to make me blow. But as the motto goes "Persistance beats Resistance" and it's beginning to pay off. Of course, in true shit-on-your-happy-parade form i'm now suffering a scathing flu, and it's the winter. It looks like a glorious grey British day out my window today. I'm doing that sarcastic smiley grimace face right now... The one you all know and love so well.

So here it is: My A-Z of Australia...

Enjoy.