W is for Weather

Come to Australia: "So where the bloody hell are you?" read the advertising slogans enticing you to endless sunny beaches, unforgettable sunsets... blah blah blah. So off I went, expecting all of the above and more.

There was a 30 year drought in Australia, people had been put on ultra water bans. Reseviours were running out of water, people had been refused the human right of washing ones car. I use the past tense because this was all the norm until I ARRIVED! It's ok people, not only will i bring you rain, i will bring you so much water it floods. The worst floods you've ever seen. And I will bring you wind!!! so much mother fucking wind it forms one of the biggest cyclones EVER!!!! HURRAHHH! 


If I hear one more person say "worst weather in living memory" or "coldest I've felt in years" I'll throw a boomerang at them. Moral of the story, don't buy into the dream. British people will never escape the rain...

V is for Vegemite

Sadly, Australians avidly believe that Vegemite is better than Marmite. They believe this with such passion and rigour that they regularly confront you with the 'vegemite vs marmite' argument. They evoke passionate and completely unrealistic views. Because, anybody with a brain and active taste buds know that Marmite is the best.

The argument that they are practically the same product (tasty, black, spreadable joy) is, without doubt, the stupidest thing anybody could ever say. 


Spot the difference...

 

U is for Ute

A ute and it's owner are the Australian equivalent of a rude boy and a really loud, obnoxious moped. Ute's come in an array of vibrant colours, and it seems, the more vibrant and metallic, the bigger the dick driving the vehicle. Let it be known however, that Australia's 'rude boys' are like fluffy bunnies in comparison to their English cousins. Almost like slightly annoyed gays, driving their rainbow coloured dick-mobiles. Cute.

T is for Tax

I was stupid enough to believe people (who in hindsight were of very little respectable standing) when they said you get shitloads of money when you submit your tax return.

So off I go, spending two hours of my precious time sweating over how to fill the form out correctly, and off i go, with a hop, skip and a jump to the post box, my big gleaming smile interrupted only by whistling outbursts of Sinatra. Oh how smug was I.

Fast forward one month. Dark clouds are gathering over St Kilda, and I open my post. It turns out, I had unwittingly declared I don't pay enough tax, and subsequently hit with $650 bill. And then it started to rain.

S is for Snags

A 'Snag' is how an Australian would refer to a Sausage. Not only have Australians given the beloved sausage a new name, but they seem to think it's perfectly normal to have them made out of beef...

...and while we're on the subject of food, i recently heard one of the better looking 'bogans' i know refer to a quiche lorraine as an 'egg and bacon pie'. I've almost had enough of this idiotic tomfoolery and disregard for the English language, Australia.

R is for Racism

I approach this issue with caution because I am English, and in England, to use the word 'racism' is probably racist by now. They say 'political correctness has gone mad'. Indeed it has, but that has meant that i have grown up cushioned from nasty people saying nasty things, and I am generally very rarely exposed to the atrocities of racism... which in some part may also be due to the fact that I'm white.

So, imagine my shock when perusing the aisles of the local supermarket innocently for some cheese when I came across this...

... and in an apparently highly developed society too. I am not quite sure how this has slipped through the net. But then it didn't take me long to realise that there's much more to it than just the cheese.'Wog' and 'Fob' are two more vernacular joys you hear on a regular basis. Idiots.

Q is for Queen

I am by no means patriotic. At least not compared to Australians, who not only like to fake-tattoo their own faces with Australian flags at every given opportunity. But they love being patriotic so much that they've even extended their loving hand to The Queens birthday too. A celebration The British have failed to give a shit about entirely. 

It might be important to point out that the day they celebrate this isn't actually the Queens birthday, nor is it even in the same month as the real thing, but fuck it. Any excuse to throw a party ey?...