W is for Weather

Come to Australia: "So where the bloody hell are you?" read the advertising slogans enticing you to endless sunny beaches, unforgettable sunsets... blah blah blah. So off I went, expecting all of the above and more.

There was a 30 year drought in Australia, people had been put on ultra water bans. Reseviours were running out of water, people had been refused the human right of washing ones car. I use the past tense because this was all the norm until I ARRIVED! It's ok people, not only will i bring you rain, i will bring you so much water it floods. The worst floods you've ever seen. And I will bring you wind!!! so much mother fucking wind it forms one of the biggest cyclones EVER!!!! HURRAHHH! 


If I hear one more person say "worst weather in living memory" or "coldest I've felt in years" I'll throw a boomerang at them. Moral of the story, don't buy into the dream. British people will never escape the rain...

V is for Vegemite

Sadly, Australians avidly believe that Vegemite is better than Marmite. They believe this with such passion and rigour that they regularly confront you with the 'vegemite vs marmite' argument. They evoke passionate and completely unrealistic views. Because, anybody with a brain and active taste buds know that Marmite is the best.

The argument that they are practically the same product (tasty, black, spreadable joy) is, without doubt, the stupidest thing anybody could ever say. 


Spot the difference...

 

U is for Ute

A ute and it's owner are the Australian equivalent of a rude boy and a really loud, obnoxious moped. Ute's come in an array of vibrant colours, and it seems, the more vibrant and metallic, the bigger the dick driving the vehicle. Let it be known however, that Australia's 'rude boys' are like fluffy bunnies in comparison to their English cousins. Almost like slightly annoyed gays, driving their rainbow coloured dick-mobiles. Cute.

T is for Tax

I was stupid enough to believe people (who in hindsight were of very little respectable standing) when they said you get shitloads of money when you submit your tax return.

So off I go, spending two hours of my precious time sweating over how to fill the form out correctly, and off i go, with a hop, skip and a jump to the post box, my big gleaming smile interrupted only by whistling outbursts of Sinatra. Oh how smug was I.

Fast forward one month. Dark clouds are gathering over St Kilda, and I open my post. It turns out, I had unwittingly declared I don't pay enough tax, and subsequently hit with $650 bill. And then it started to rain.

S is for Snags

A 'Snag' is how an Australian would refer to a Sausage. Not only have Australians given the beloved sausage a new name, but they seem to think it's perfectly normal to have them made out of beef...

...and while we're on the subject of food, i recently heard one of the better looking 'bogans' i know refer to a quiche lorraine as an 'egg and bacon pie'. I've almost had enough of this idiotic tomfoolery and disregard for the English language, Australia.

R is for Racism

I approach this issue with caution because I am English, and in England, to use the word 'racism' is probably racist by now. They say 'political correctness has gone mad'. Indeed it has, but that has meant that i have grown up cushioned from nasty people saying nasty things, and I am generally very rarely exposed to the atrocities of racism... which in some part may also be due to the fact that I'm white.

So, imagine my shock when perusing the aisles of the local supermarket innocently for some cheese when I came across this...

... and in an apparently highly developed society too. I am not quite sure how this has slipped through the net. But then it didn't take me long to realise that there's much more to it than just the cheese.'Wog' and 'Fob' are two more vernacular joys you hear on a regular basis. Idiots.

Q is for Queen

I am by no means patriotic. At least not compared to Australians, who not only like to fake-tattoo their own faces with Australian flags at every given opportunity. But they love being patriotic so much that they've even extended their loving hand to The Queens birthday too. A celebration The British have failed to give a shit about entirely. 

It might be important to point out that the day they celebrate this isn't actually the Queens birthday, nor is it even in the same month as the real thing, but fuck it. Any excuse to throw a party ey?...

P is for Prostitutes

I live in an area  of Melbourne which is famed for it's ladies of the night. And within that area I live on one of the main drags. I have been asked if i would like "a lift somewhere" more than once now... Perhaps, it's time to take a step back and re-evaluate my appearance.

Below you will find examples of the subtle sexual bombardment your subconscious is exposed to when taking a leisurely stroll down Grey Street. It's no wonder the sex trade is booming. 

Dogging anybody?

A sexual add for a removals company.

Hello Officer.

...indeed you dutty buggers.

O is for Opshop

An opshop is the Australian equivalent of a charity shop, and in Melbourne there is an absolute abundance of the little beauties. My local opshop serenades the senses to the max... no less so when the local homeless folk decide to park themselves on the sofas and pop a VHS on the telly, all of which are up for sale of course. Not to mention The Beatles background noise, only noticeable when you realise you've been humming 'Yellow Submarine' all day. 

Here are some of the marvelous offerings at my local opshop… A broken ironing board and some sort of granny transportation device. Perhaps, indicative of the socioeconomic standings in the St Kilda area… I’m sure there’s a used syringe on the floor there too.

N is for No Worries

The attitude Australians adopt towards worrying really is quite endearing. Now, if the response you get to every single statement/ apology/ offensive slant from an Ozzy is to be taken literally then I really have no reason to worry whatsoever. Thank you Australia.

M is for Money

The money here is made of a strange plastic material, which is wonderful... for surfers. Now, as I have already clarified, I am no surfer. So as far as I can see I reap none of the benefits associated with waterproof money.

I have however, fallen victim to one of the major drawbacks of plastic money. A curious characteristic of which is its slippery surface. This means, that if you have a note in your pocket it'll slip and slither around until it's free of its material confines. Then suddenly you find yourself having one of those 'I'm sure i had a tenner in my pocket?' moments. Yes! yes you did... but the fucker slipped out of your pocket when you weren't looking!. On the upside, somebody else is benefiting, I have unwillingly become a charitable person. I like to think my charity of choice is the Midget Circus Performers Rescue Operation (McPRO for short)*.

* yes i am lying.

L is for Lesbians

We have some rather riotous lesbians inhabiting the flat downstairs. Don’t go getting any romantic visuals of sexy young ladies, think more along the lines of Myra Hindley and what sounds like a female elephant. Fortunately, my bedroom isn’t above theirs, but my housemates is… let's just say they know how unsatisfied Myra must be. Ergh. That, coupled with a very loud Micheal Jackson megamix playing on repeat with accompanying dickhead friends who love playing the bongos on your average Tuesday night doesn't bode well for neighborly love.

Here is a highly conceptual piece: an origami elephant made out of Myra's face... unfortunately, you can't actually see ANY of her face, and this was my 1,000,567th attempt. I had to draw a line somewhere. I shall call it 'frustrating elephant'.



and so, here's another highly artistic piece of a red-eyed elephant sitting on Myra's face, looking like she's loving it.


I shall call it 'Rwaaaaaahhhhhh!'

K is for Koalas & Kangaroos

Koalas eat eucalyptus leaves, which have a certain appealing quality resulting in little fluffy balls of pure stoned joy. They literally live a teenagers dream. Here’s a Koala in it’s natural habitat looking shifty and paranoid, and like he's got the munchies... i wonder why.





Being English, I obviously get far too excited when I see a Kangaroo. I feel like I’m standing in an Australian postcard whenever I see one, and from nowhere Rolf Harris might saunter across the bush and wobble his wobbling board instrument thingy. However, Kangaroos are actually considered a pest here, as there are so many of them and they fuck up people’s cars when they get run over. And so, hunting and eating them is commonplace. That’s pretty much the equivalent of an Englishman hunting and eating rats.

J is for Jellyfish

Excuse me, Australians of London: you systematically failed to tell me a lot of things about Australia. Like, for example, that thongs are worn on the feet, how rubbish the telly is, that it rains and gets cold, of the mythical Drop Bear creature, that surfing isn't easy, that cheese is placed in two entirely different locations in the supermarket so as to confuse unsuspecting cheese loving foreigners, and... that there are lots of jellyfish in your crystal clear idyllic waters. If I'd wanted jellyfish with my beach I'd have gone to Wales thank you.


Looks a little bit like an abstract self portrait, i know.

I is for Ice Cream

Australians have a queer love affair with a particular ice cream. And you’ve got to be slightly worried when it goes by the name of ‘Golden Gaytime’. Motto: ‘It’s hard to have a Gaytime on your own!’… it certainly bloody is but I’m absolutely sure you can eat ice cream on your own you filthy buggers. You let your children eat Golden Gaytimes?



Dirty people. Nobody has used the word 'gay' to mean 'happy' since 1863 so what's your excuse?

H is for Huey

Huey:

"would you like another portion with your portion sir? how about a block of cheese, no? ok let me just breathe really heavily over the food I'm making you. Oooops i dropped it. Oh well, I'll just scoop it up with my fat sausage fingers and eat it myself. he he he"

Oh Huey. Australia's answer to Jamie Oliver. The perfect celebrity chef if it wasn't for the fact that he's fat and can't cook. He makes 'talentless' celebrities like Jordan and Britney Spears look positively gifted. Chuckling away, flirting with his pork chops, so wrong and so right all at the same time. He is pretty much the biggest celebrity I've come across in Australia so far.

G is for G'day

Devolution...


As these beefed up stick men demonstrate; Australians, wanting to separate themselves from The British have achieved a form of linguistic devolution. Curious.

F is for Fair Dinkum

I have been ashamed of British politics in recent weeks to say the least, to quote my own father “We have a new government headed up by what looks like a couple of public school poofters”.

But imagine how you’d feel if the opposition leader said shit like “I try to be fair dinkum with the Australian people” shame on you Tony Abbott and shame on you Australia for not throwing eggs at him.

This is a picture of Tony Abbott, a kind of hybrid of David Hasselhoff and Mr Bean. I think we might've struck gold here!

E is for Eggplant

Eggplant? In the rest of the world I’m pretty certain eggs are laid by hens. And if you cover an egg in soil and water it as if it were a seed, not much would happen. So I don’t know where the notion of an ‘eggplant’ has come from.


Perhaps, it would have been wiser to adopt the term 'aubergine'?

D is for Dinosaur

I'm 25 years old and currently sleep in a single bed. I have a lot of growing up to do. But for now I’m indulging in the best kids duvet sets my limited budget will buy. Feast your eyes on this:

That's my new cardboard boyfriend in bed there, his name's Tarquin. He's a little thinner than I'd like but he'll do for now.